Wo ich ihn nicht hab’
Ist mir das Grab,
Die ganze Welt
Ist mir vergällt.

---

The sound of idle chatter filled the music building’s lunch room. Students complained about repertoire, assignments, masterclasses, pretty much everything. A couple professors peppered the tables, too. I wondered if they were pathetic and lonely, or trying to learn what their students thought of them. I found it sad either way.

Bzzt!

My phone lit up with a notification.

Evelyn Moore – Soprano
Won’t be able to make today’s session, sorry. See you Monday.

My knuckles throbbed lightly as I sent off an acknowledgement of her cancellation. Our room was already reserved, so I could probably reallocate that time to working on my solo repertoire.

A sharp pain shot through my right hand, and my phone clattered as it slipped from my fingers and hit the table. I held my aching hand in the other, gently massaging it.

“You have practice with Ava later, right? Are you sure you’re good to go?” Raine asked.

Her face was concerned, and it pissed me off a bit. I didn’t need pity; I was a perfectly capable person. My hands just hurt sometimes.

“She cancelled today to see her boyfriend. Besides, I’m fine. It’s just a flare-up.”

“You let her work you too hard, Olivia. I mean, three sessions a week? It’s just typical soprano ego. Gretchen am Spinnrade isn’t even that difficult.”

I gripped my hand tighter, trying not to let my frustration show on my face.

“Evelyn’s a diligent worker.”

Outside the room, it felt like I was the one on the leash. I couldn’t even defend us properly.

What if I just tell Raine the truth? We’re fucking in there, and I hardly use my hands for it anyway.

“Why do you make so many excuses for her? Are you two even frien—”

“We’re not. We just make music together.”

I cut Raine off and spoke a bit too loud. A shocked expression flickered on her face.

“…Even more reason for you to set some boundaries and take some time off.”

“I said she cancelled, didn’t I?”

“Yeah, but you’re planning on practicing alone anyway, I bet.”

An exasperated look washed over her face, but I didn’t think I was being that unreasonable; performance was my degree. If I stayed home every time my hands hurt, then I’d never leave the house.

“So what if I am? It’s not like it’ll make my arthritis worse.”

“Come on, hang out with Noa and I today. Recreation is just as important as rehearsal, you know?”

I wanted to spend time with them, but I had already set this time aside for practice and sex. It wouldn’t feel right for Noa and Raine to occupy it.

“…I’m not really feeling it.”

“Hah… do whatever you want, Olivia. I’m just worried about you. You don’t have to hangout with us today, but we miss you.”

“I eat lunch with you guys nearly every day.”

“You know that’s not what I mean. Well, whatever. Anyways, how are you doing in theory?”

“Fine, you?”

Raine sighed.

“Terrible, do you think you could help me with the assignment sometime this weekend?”

“You wanted to ‘hang out’ today, eh?” I laughed. “Sure, we can go over it tomorrow night, then.”

“You’re a lifesaver, Liv.” Raine breathed a sigh of relief and leaned back in her chair.

Noa finally joined us at the table, dropping her bag at the foot of her chair.

“Hey guys, what are we chatting about?” Noa sat at the table and asked in an excited voice.

“Just how dumb Raine is.”

“I won’t even bother defending myself, you’re right.”

The topic of conversation finally moved on from Evelyn, so the rest of the lunch went by with relative ease. Noa and Raine were good friends, and I wished I didn’t have to hide this from them.

I knew what I was agreeing to when Evelyn proposed our arrangement, and it was going well for the first month, but now it was starting to take a toll on me.

I watched Evelyn walk down the hall in front of me, laughing with a dark-haired friend of hers. She didn’t seem nearly as bothered about this as I was. Her eyes met mine through the doors to the lunch room, and she gave a small wave. I nodded in response.

Raine was insistent I took the day off, regardless of whether or not I spent it with them, so I chose to take it easy in bed instead. I finished up what was left of my lunch and said goodbye to Noa and Raine, then made my way back to the dorms.

I was fortunate enough to get a single room. It wasn’t that I particularly needed to be alone or anything, but living with other people often led to them treating me like a patient. I know they meant well, but it still felt condescending.

Sigh.

I undressed and put my fingerless compression gloves in my laundry pile. I used to wear a pair to sleep, but the baseline pain had increased to the point that I needed to wear them during the day, too. I wasn’t supposed to wear them for more eight hours a day, and managing pain at the piano was more important to me than in bed.

I flopped onto my mattress, letting the stress of today’s lunch conversation fall out of my shoulders.

I must have gotten too comfortable with me and Evelyn’s rehearsal schedule, because I was feeling more pent up than usual. I didn’t really like doing it alone, since my hands tended to hurt from the repetitive motion, but I had to today.

I slipped my right hand into the waistband of my sweatpants and underwear, reaching further and further down until I wrapped my fingers around myself.

I conjured images of Eve at my feet, kneeling, licking me. I imagined her sharp nails digging into my thighs. I imagined pushing her head back when she got too eager.

“Mm… You’re such a good girl, Eve.”

I held her leash to keep her head between my legs. Every so often, soft moans would escape her. Her rough tongue slid around me, bringing me ever closer to our performance’s climax.

Her hand gripped mine, tight enough to hurt. She was working so hard for me, though, so I forgave her for being careless.

Eve licked along my length, from top to bottom, holding her face at the base. She stared up at me with a glassy look in her eyes.

“You’re so much bigger than Thomas, Master.”

What?

The haze of arousal faded, leaving me completely aware of how alone I was in my room, what I was doing, and the searing pain in my right hand.

Right now, there was no Eve here with me. The room was dark, quiet, and absurdly warm. Sweat ran down every inch of my skin, and my vision was filled with static. In reality, I was alone, and Ava was with Thomas.

What did they do together? Why does she have sex with me? Thomas and I have the same parts, so does she stay with him because his are better?

I tried to push Thomas out of my mind, but my brain wasn’t cooperative. Images of them being intimate flashed in my mind, of Ava’s careless smiles in the hallways, and people talking about the two of them.

All my progress began to slip from me, and I tried to speed up to compensate, but the pain became far too much to handle. Still, I refused to let go. I pushed through the pain until it was all I could feel.

My hand had no interest in putting up with my stubbornness, and gave up of its own volition. The pain was bad enough to make me tear up.

“God damn it!”

I banged my hand against the sharp corner of my dresser.

“Useless! Useless, useless, useless! Why can’t you just fucking work? You’re my body. You belong to me, so why won’t you just fucking listen!?”

My words came out in incoherent sobs. I continued jamming my hand into the wood, sometimes punching at the top of it instead. Weakened from nights of previous outbursts, small pieces splintered off into the dark and scraped at my hands.

“This is all your fault! If you didn’t cancel on me, I’d—!”

I’d what? What is whose fault? What am I even talking about?

“I–I just–! It’s not fair, it’s not—”

Sniff.

My voice was quieter now, barely audible over the ambient hum of traffic beyond my window.

“Why? Why won’t you listen to me?”

I took a deep breath in through my nose.

“Hah… hah…”

You agreed to this, Olivia. What are you so mad about?

I continued taking deep breaths, letting my heart steady itself. I rolled over and grabbed my old sleep gloves, then pulled them over my hands.

“There’s no such thing as a break from this, Raine.”

I spoke with venom in my voice, clutching my hand.